Whatever it was.. I was messed up. I guess it was one of my earlier memories.. & it just went on from there. It wasn't anyone's fault, really. if anyone were to be blamed, it'd have been me. I never loved myself enough. never thought i was good enough. never believed i was anything special. 

I let them do it.

and those years of depression led to a broken desperate wide-eyed love-hungry girl. i went out of my way to enter people's life, trying to find somewhere.. or someone i could belong to. i latched on to the first sweet thing i could find. i lost faith, my way and everything i could have been. i hooked on to people of all kinds.. and almost always end up walking away when it got too serious, or got too needy when i felt good about it. 

Recalling The list of people i wish i could let go.. would be too painful to actually attempt. and i'm pretty sure.. the people who were annoyed by me wouldnt even care to be here reading. well, who would?

nonetheless, I'm sorry i latched on so soon. I'm sorry i expected you to be there for me and to somehow fix me up. I'm sorry i didnt know then that all i was doing was blaming you for all the pain i had been through. i couldnt even deal with myself, let alone learn to let you deal with me. 

I'm sorry i was bitter i couldn't be involved. and jealous i couldnt be her. I'm sorry i let myself love you all so much that, everything you did just hurt me somehow. i was just fighting with myself. and it was a battle i now know i had to fight alone. I expected you to call me along whenever you got called, expected you to do to me what i would have done for you. expected you to change for me and not everyone else but me just so you'll be more likeable. i was in no position to even tell you how to live your life.

It was me. im not sayin all these now to justify anything, or to dig old wounds. ive come to a point in life where i realize.. some things can't be fixed. Some friendships were meant to last the length of time it did. and even though they have been long over, i still hold on. for what you say? i believe holding on is easier than letting go.. so i let it manifest.

Over the past 5 years or so, ive changed so much. it started with a teeny spark. then, the flame grew.. It was anger and hatred. i started to not trust. started to be stingy, started to be greedy. started to be selfish, started to doubt. started to find revenge. started to be bitter, and mean.. I started.. to hurt even more than i ever thought i could. I started to become everything i hated in everyone else. just cos i wanted them to realize that was what i had felt. I lost myself amidst all of your problems. and it grew into a big one. a big one that has been eating me alive so much especially recently.

I was so busy hating on the fact that people could be like this.. that i never realized i was slowly becoming like everyone else. and i hate it. i hate it so much. i didnt use to be a bitch. i used to walk up to the lonely and make friends, cos i didnt want anyone to ever feel alone. cos it sucks.. cos i was there. always. I miss me. i miss the me who didnt jump to conclusions. who always saw the good in everyone, even when the bad was spitting me in the face. cos once i started realizing the bad, i never saw the good again.

I'm sorry for the people i hurt, couldnt let go and loved too much. I have grown tho,

&I've come to a new chapter in life where.. i'll meet new people, i may get bullied again, or ostracized even.. 

or maybe ill find new peace. maybe ill finally get to see the world.. as i used to..

above all, I know my past will always haunt me, one way or another, and names will keep popping like they have the past few days. and I'm sorry. but i won't apologize anymore.