Starting a post is always the hardest. i always find myself consumed by so many things, its hard to even lay it all out, let alone put it down in writing. sometimes i think i'll go crazy some day, cos smart people do. HAHAH. what a joke. but really, i've been seeing and feeling things i wouldn't normally have. but enough about that, before i get too creeped out. I wanted my blog to be a place for happy things, but nights like these just wouldn't allow it. so here's what ive been up to, and how its made me feel so far,

.the good, but more of the bad.

(beware, this is an emo post, similar to the ones you'll find on 

http://neverending-goodbyes.blogspot.com )

A competition recently

the journey was worth it, fun, rewarding in certain ways, but on the downside,

i was tired, felt lousy and the ending of it all was painful. not the part where i got out, but the part where people started to leave. i think thats the reason.. i hate starting things. cos i hate ending it. 

but then again, is doing nothing at all better? sometimes i can't really tell.. they all feel the same.

My youtube channel

it started out as a place to store my videos, but then turned into a magical place where opportunities were never-ending, well... til now. it always comes back to the same thing. when do i say goodbye? There have been so many in my life who are still around me, but i've lost forever. maybe, just maybe I've come to a dead end. I'm not giving up on music, just giving up on trying to make people listen. if you're a faithful fan like my dear friend jaslyn, you'll know that my passion has been drained and my love for music is... crushed. i don't really know how to put it, but the life in it doesn't exist anymore. 

I'm sorry.. but its true. 

how many people out there are well known for what they call 'music', and how many of them actually deserve that credit?

bullshit.

then again, who am I to say that? 

maybe i'm just not good enough.

see what i mean?

so goodbye, goodbye.

i don't want to make another cover of a song i don't feel. that's not what i started this entire thing for. 

believe me... right now im on the verge of tears.

its so painful to even say it.

i mean, singing was supposed to make all this pain go away... but it has just been the cause of it for the past year, and i have to end this, cos there is no place for me.

ive been through so much, half the time i wanted to give up. It has all become too real.. and what scares me the most.. is yet to come. im always scared. i always have been. if you had the chance to read my first blog when it was made public, you'll see the little me. and im still little, i'll always be. and its good sometimes.. to have these things i have. but its painful. i wish you knew. i wish you knew how it hurts when my heart scrunches up like a ball. and all i can do is smile and hope my face doesnt show. like now, or this morning in the train, or last week when i was wrongly accused. or the week before.

or now...

and because this makes me feel like exploding, i shall end this abruptly, and leave you with a few heart wrenching quotes.

"Sometimes, I am unexpectedly hit with a supreme sadness that neither words nor the company of good friends can cure."

"I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands."

I’m afraid of
a lot of things,
but mostly,                                                       i think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy
most sincerely,
I am afraid of                                                                      because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless
being completely
unraveled by you,                                                                               and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that 
and you finding nothing                                         
you want in here. 

"We assume others show love the same way we do — and if they don’t, we worry it’s not there."

"You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place, I told him, like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again."

"it’s funny how the words we never say can turn into the only thoughts we know."

"The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."

"My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself."

and so i'll walk forever with the stories that the people i love the most can never hear.